“One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay. (Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own. (Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.”—Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via kanyequeen)
“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”—Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love (via rainydaysandblankets)
“Today I will do my best. If I have a good day, I will be proud of myself. If I have a bad day, I will not dwell on it, I will forgive myself, I will put it behind me and I will continue to move forward in my recovery”—breathe, repeat, execute. (via housewifeswag)
“I fell for you the way a train
the way a wave crashes into the shore.
It looks like fear
and it feels like recklessness.
So maybe we’ll destroy each other,
ruin and break each other
what a way to go.”—Tina Tran, This is for you (via 24ribs)
I spent four afternoons in a partial hospitalization, where I had the opportunity to teach some the patients about wellness, and where I held one session called, ‘relationships’. In this particular partial hospital, the patients suffered from either psychiatric or substance abuse…
People get angry at environmentalists because they think they’re slowing down the economy and creating restrictions and a lot of these people are Christian. A lot of these people are very devout Christians and that’s such a confusing thing to me, that if you believe that God gave you the Earth, why would you not have to look after it? Why would you not think that when he came back he wouldn’t go,
"What the fuck did you do? I gave this to you, motherfucker! Are you crazy? The polar bears are brown! What did you do to the polar bears? Did you shit all over every polar bear? What did you—who did this? Who spilled this shit? Who spilled this? Come over here. Did you fucking spill this? What is that?"
"It’s oil. It’s just some oil. I didn’t mean to spill—"
"Well why did you take it out of the fucking ground?"
"Because I wanted to go faster. I’m not fast enough. And I was cold."
"What the fuck do you mean, ‘cold’? I gave you everything you needed, you piece of shit."
"Well, because jobs, and I wanted—"
"What is a job? Explain to me, what’s a fucking job?"
"Well, like you work at a
place and people call when their game doesn’t work and you help them figure it out.
"What do you do that for?"
"What do you need money for?"
"Just eat the shit on the floor. I left shit all over the floor. Fucking corn and wheat and shit. Grind it up, make some bread. What are you doing?"
"Yeah, but it doesn’t have, like… bacon around it."